It’s Ok to Hide Sometimes

I’m reading a book about the concept of unmasking, basically having the courage to let your guard down and be your authentic self.

I’ve been working on this personally as well for quite a while now. With my limb difference. Working on my comfort level of showing it when I’m in public.

Some days I’m ok wearing shorter sleeves and showing it to the world, and other days I wear a hoodie to cover it.

I’ve been struggling with feeling guilty, like I’m a *bad* advocate for disability if I’m hiding my hand.

I’ve been working on accepting where I’m at in the moment and giving myself permission not to show my hand if I’m not up for it. Being stared at can be a lot sometimes, and sometimes I just don’t have the mental bandwidth to deal with it. And that’s ok. I have not failed as a disability advocate if I’m just not up for dealing with the stares. I’m learning to give myself permission not to force myself to unhide if I’m just not in the headspace.

It’s actually more authentic and self-honoring to hide in some instances. I don’t even like that term exactly either. It’s not like I’m hiding it away or feeling ashamed of my hand. It’s just that I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with other people’s reactions and curiosities/questions. Some days I’m just feeling more shy/depleted/not as social and just wanting to blend and be unnoticed. In those instances it’s most self-loving to protect my peace and bandwidth.

I can still be a valid, amazing disability advocate and hide my limb difference sometimes. It’s not about me hating my hand. It’s very much the opposite. It’s because I have such love and want to protect my hand from ridicule that I hide sometimes. That definitely does not make me a bad person. It makes me a very loving person. So, I’m trying my best to reframe when I do hide. That it’s out of love and protection, not necessarily shame for my hand.

That’s also why I do advocate for people being kinder, more loving towards people with disabilities, so I can feel more comfortable showing my hand without the threat of ridicule. If I could feel safe to show it at all times I would, but I’m just not there yet. And that’s ok.