My friend and I were talking at coffee a few weeks ago about shifts in identity. She was telling me she had been following a local band around the state for a long time, and recently decided to stop doing that. She started struggling with her identity when she didn’t go to a show when she normally went to them most weekends. Who was she without this huge part of her life?
I could relate so much to that. I’ve been struggling with this so much myself as well. I’ve changed so much these past few years that so much of my life just doesn’t resonate anymore. But, some things have been such a big part of my life for so long that I’m not sure who I am without them. Where does this leave me? Who am I?
I struggle with that void and uncertainty that it has been making me want to cling and go back to the old. But every time I do it feels less and less aligned and it’s so apparent I’ve grown out of it. It’s no longer a match. And that’s scary.
Like I said, I’m having an identity crisis. Who am I in this new phase of life? Honestly, it’s been pretty lonely trying to figure this out with this gap between letting go of the old and waiting and trusting that the new will be shown to me. But, I just can’t go back to the old identity. I’m just not that person anymore. It no longer fits me.
But, man, it’s really been taking strength to hang in there and forge the new path. I need to, though. I deserve to have the new and to grow. I do want to see who I am in the new, but like I said, that does come with fear and uncertainty.
I do like who I’ve grown into, though. That part has been interesting too. Some people I’ve known all my life, or for a long time, and they’ve watched me grow. Some people have loved it and were supportive. But, others I’ve noticed still see me as the old and are struggling to accept that I’ve changed.
I’ve seen people fall out of my life as I’ve grown too, and that’s been hard. But, the people who’ve stayed and who I’ve yet to meet are seeing the real me. It’s been so amazing and liberating to not have to edit myself so much and to be the real me. I’m still working on that, but that’s definitely something I’m embracing in this new phase. Authenticity. And that’s worth it. That’s SO worth it.
So, I’m going to continue to work on going toward the new, even if it’s scary and unknown. I just can’t go back to the old. I deserve to have the life that I’m meant to be living now.
Kari Storm 