This morning at the coffee shop I got unexpectedly triggered. A little boy around the age of two or so and his dad came and sat at the table next to me. The dad saw my rainbow hoodie and rainbow hearts backpack and said to the boy, wow, look at all of the pretty colors. I thought that was super sweet, so although kids honestly scare me, due to past trauma with being bullied, I decided to be brave and talk to the little boy, since his dad was being so kind. I said to the little boy, I love colorful things and I love rainbows. The boy responded by remarking to his dad that this girl is scary, her eyes are scary, and the boy then moved away from his chair toward his dad because he was that scared / off put by me.
I did not expect the trigger that that would cause. I had been on my way out, was packing up as the boy and his dad sat by me. So, after the boy said that, his dad tried his best to tell the boy look she’s not scary, look at all the pretty colors she’s wearing, she has a rainbow on her hat. But the boy just didn’t seem to be into that, was still focused on that I was somehow scary to him. So, I continued packing up, and when I got into my car, I just started crying. Like, the pain that hit me was so intense, unexpected and triggering to my core. I felt such sorrow that I was so brave and vulnerable to try talking and connecting with the boy and he was off put and scared.
The boy wasn’t being malicious or mean, like it wasn’t a bullying thing. To give you more insight, I tend to express my emotions more so with my eyes, likely because of my facial paralysis, I can’t make facial expressions, so I use my eyes more to express my different emotions. And when I get excited or passionate about something, my eyes get big. So, when I told the boy I loved rainbows, my eyes got big. So, I guess that was just something that he felt scared and off put by. And he said it in an observational, not a malicious way. Like he was legit just saying he felt scared. But, still, even knowing he wasn’t being mean or malicious, the rejection just hurt me so much. And like I said, it just took me by surprise what a reaction I had when I got in my car. So much pent up and suppressed pain from being rejected in childhood, kids being afraid of me because of my hand that I just didn’t really understand when I was that little. I just wanted to connect with the other kids and some kids were just afraid or off put and that was just too painful for my little self to feel. So, it got stuffed and numbed. Now that I’ve gotten so much more open to feeling my feelings, the more deep seeded, painful stuffed emotions are starting to surface. It’s a lot, but ultimately good and healing for me to talk about them and feel them. That’s again why I am so darn passionate about teaching kids that other kids with differences aren’t so scary and to lean in and not recoil.
Kari Storm 