Taking Leaps

I’ve never been great at relaxing and going with the flow. That doesn’t come easy to someone like me, with anxiety and a tendency to overthink. I remember being three years old and annoying my babysitter because we’d be eating breakfast and I’d be asking what we’re having for lunch. 

Knowing the plan makes me feel safe. Not knowing…oh man, can I catastrophize the hell out of things. So, I have this need to control things and stay in the safety of my comfort zone. 

My anxiety brain is constantly scanning for threats. I feel like I always have to be one step ahead, living life on high alert, clenched. 

Living life this way has been getting too exhausting, though. It’s not working for me anymore. So, I’ve been working on trusting and letting go of control. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m flailing about, fighting to keep my head above water only to realize I was in the shallow end the whole time and there was no real danger of drowning. That if I got still and let go and stopped trying to control, I would feel the ground under my feet. The flailing about is just wasted energy. 

I’ve been letting go and taking leaps a lot these past few years. I’ve gotten visuals in my mind as I was taking them. When I started jumping, I imagined a big beautiful unicorn with wings there to help me fly. Then I started to jump and realize I had my OWN wings to fly. And, finally, I have learned it’s okay to fall. Because in falling, I have learned to get back up stronger and with more wisdom.