Throughout this pandemic I’ve been feeling so drained, exhausted, down, angry, frustrated, LONELY, hopeless (at times) that I just have not had much to give to others. Who am I if I’m not the girl who cheers people up with her positivity? I’m not used to feeling so dark most of the time. I feel like I lost in my identity in a way. And, fears have been coming up like, will people not want me/leave me if I don’t fill that role of lifting them up, if I’m depressed more than happy?
But I also feel like I’ve found my identity in a way. I’ve been leaning into the dark and have been trying to accept the fact I sometimes just don’t have the energy to lift others up. I’ve also realized that I need and deserve lifting up too. It’s too exhausting being the one who puts the most energy into a relationship and becoming drained and not getting much back. I need reciprocal relationships.
So, I’ve been examining all my relationships these past few months and have been discerning as to what relationships I have been willing to continue putting energy into. Some have fizzled out, some I’ve had to alter expectations and set boundaries, some have improved and strengthened even more.
Instead of offering people positivity, I offer the raw, real, authentically struggling me. The me who still deserves love and has value, whether I’m feeling positive or I’m struggling.